This post has been sitting in my drafts since last Wednesday and I was not sure whether or not I should post it. It might be one of the most personal posts I have ever written in my life, but at times you do need to get personal.
For months, I have been trying to come to terms with an issue that has been seriously bothering me. And finally I have a name for it, a shape for the hurt it has caused, and even a feeling that I can identify. I have been trying so hard to understand the sting of betrayal. I have been asking myself and the world why is it that some people would betray others?
In my case seeing the words right here in print before me make them real. There is no point in hiding them because their sting is real. Recently I had come to terms with the fact that I had been betrayed and yes I had been stabbed in the back by people I assumed were my friends. There is nothing else I can call it so I decided to accept it and I had decided that I should move on.
Admitting that this was actually what happened the first time to myself was hard, but today the hurt is reduced to a little sting in the heart. For the longest time I had been trying to find a justification for it, to find gaps in myself and areas where I might have gone wrong to deserve it. I have examined it from every angle wondering what I could have possibly done differently towards the people who I assumed were my friends, because I really needed to find a reason for it. I needed to pin it on something or someone even if that person was myself.
However, I learned that when you are in such a situation there is no real reason for it. So, the best thing you could do is own it, be it, live it, accept it and deal with it. There is nothing you can do about it. Maybe my only mistake was to assume that we all have the same value system as human beings, and we all have a shared understanding of what is right and what is wrong. My ideals did not check in with these people and that is that. On most days, I am fine with the fact that I had been stabbed in the back, but honestly there are days when I do want to slap myself for being so pathetically gullible and for honestly believing in certain people who did not believe in me. However, being the progressive person I am I want to put a positive spin on this fact So instead of wallowing in self pity, I will say that I learned something.
I learned that not all people share your values and things that go without saying for you such as the values of trust do not necessarily go for everyone you deal with. There is no point in saying to someone” how can you possibly do that” because obviously what they did is normal to them, you asking them for an explanation won’t grant you one. There is no point in telling someone “how can you possibly say that about me”, because they did and really you can’t tell someone “how can you possibly forget that I was your friend”, because they forgot and as harsh as it sounds they don’t care So, your best bet is to stop the questioning of yourself and to stop the questioning to them and just move on.
You can just hope that next time you can read the signs and not be so ready to call everyone your buddy. On days when you feel stupid for letting your assumption of humanity to get the better of you allow yourself to feel stupid. Just take it as a learning experience, call it what it is, and don’t ever live your life hoping for an apology you will never get. People who stabbed you in the back will never turn around and say they are sorry because they are not.
The funny thing is that you come out of it a stronger person, nothing bothers you anymore and more importantly no human action is beyond your understanding. You learn to realize that being a good person means different things to different people. Don’t be a victim, don’t cry about it for too long, accept it.
This is life.
I hope if you are reading this and you are dealing with something similar it offers you some level of comfort if anything this post might make you realize that these things happen.