Can We Talk?

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She slammed the door behind her with no sense as to where she was going. All she could hear were the angry words of her mother pounding in her ear drum.  She got into the car, and switched off the music as soon as it bellowed uninvited from the speakers . She closed all the windows and doors, and without a second glance at her home, she just drove.

She wanted to forget everything affecting her current world. She even wanted to forget the gentle hum of her car engine, but she couldn’t. She needed to get away from the city, the sounds of car horns, and the drivers shouting angry words from their windows at other careless passers by. She wanted even to get away from the cloudy sky which spread over her, but above all, she wanted to get away from the angry words of her mother. She wanted to escape her mother’s pointing hand as she told her, you are throwing away golden opportunities.

As she drove further, the spaces between buildings became wider, the trees became thicker, and the air became clearer. She drove further north of the city, until she was alone with her thoughts. She was enveloped by  the rustling breeze, humming birds, and the turbulent thoughts rumbling in her head. She needed to sit alone in stillness so she silenced the hum of her car engine and she sat.

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She needed to ask herself if she was really throwing away a golden opportunity. This was her mother’s idea but was it hers?  After all, she didn’t see any lost or gained opportunity in the 43 year old gentleman who visited them with his mother a week ago.

He was an engineer, a homeowner, the holder of high prestige in his engineering firm, and of course his bank account spoke volumes of his success. Her mother definitely  saw him as a golden opportunity for her now 33 year old daughter, but she didn’t see him as anything.  To be fair to him and to herself, she immediately admitted that she didn’t see him as a bad person. He might be, he might not be, but three meetings in her parents’ home were hardly enough for her to decide.

She wondered how he decided after three meetings to propose. She was even brave enough to ask him that very question and he responded by saying she was everything he wanted in a wife. She persisted and asked him further how he could decide after three short meetings.  He replied he knew because she was from a good family, she was educated, she held a high position in her company, and that he was sure that they wanted the same things he wanted from life.

“How could you be sure?” she asked him, and he replied  with a haughty confidence “You wouldn’t be sitting with me if you are not interested.”

He didn’t know that she only agreed to sit with him  after pleas from her mother. She even resented the fact that he assumed he knew everything about her identity.  She wondered if he would have ever guessed that she applied for a journalism job in London,  or that she likes eating her watermelons hot.

She wondered if he would approve of the fact that she was messy, and that she lived in a constant swing between order and chaos. He didn’t even bother to ask her about her hobbies. He didn’t know of her passion for painting . She didn’t even know what he was passionate about, so how could he possibly decide that she is everything he is looking for.  Did he see her when she was angry? , she asked herself, she knew that he couldn’t possibly want to be with her when she was angry unless he knew her when she was not and he liked her enough when she was not to forget the times that she was.

When she told her mother she needed time to think, her mother shouted that she was throwing away a golden opportunity, but she asked herself if he this engineer was a better opportunity from the man who knew her, who saw her when she was angry, and who saw her when she was not?

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Was he a better opportunity from the man who had promised her to build a life with her over there small incomes many years ago? She shared deep interests with that man not to mention  emotions, but her mother sent him away three years ago because he was not ready . That day, she cried. She cried night after night , month after month, and year after year, until she learned to numb the pain. She learned to prevent herself from thinking of him, although the thought of him crept in her mind at least once a day, every day.

However, on this particular evening, and as the sky started to turn purple above her, she allowed herself to think of him without guilt.  She remembered their laughs, their shared jokes, their fights, and the times they would talk for hours about everything and nothing. She remembered the times when they would sit in an un-awkward silence, simply because they had become so familiar with each other’s moods.

She couldn’t help but wonder if it was those little things that make life meaningful between two people, and she realized that she wanted more than anything to live a life of meaning, a life she approved of. She told herself with determination that  if her mother claimed that her refusing the engineer was a failed opportunity it was not for her to decide. So  she made the decision to refuse the engineer there and then because he didn’t know her . He just assumed he did. Then without a second thought she picked up her phone and dialed the number she still knew by heart . The phone rang twice and as she heard a familiar voice on the other end, she nervously  said ” can we talk?”

DS.

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